There seems to be a reoccurring theme in some of the major lessons that I’ve learned so far this year. I’m starting to realize that I can get quickly (and blindly) enamored with people, things, and situations. Sometimes I get carried away, sometimes I’m able to catch myself in time to reassess.

When I finally started dating again after my ex, I became insanely infatuated with some dudes and totally escalated things in my head. A good example is Kenney. Although I genuinely liked him as a person, I think I made myself obsessed over the idea of us. Same thing happened with John and Calvin, two guys that I had connected with over Tinder (at different times). My only interaction with John was through texting, but I somehow managed to “fall” head over heels for him. Same thing with Calvin.

After deciding to give Scott a chance, I began obsessing over him too. Or rather, the idea of him. And here we are. We’ve been exclusive for a little over 3 months but have been talking/hooking up for about 4-5 months now. So I haven’t known him long, but boy was I smitten with him when we started dating. Over the last two months or so, I’ve grown increasingly weary of him/our relationship. You know what’s funny? I told myself that I was taking it slow, but let’s be real, I wasn’t. Now, I’m starting to see things that concern me and make me feel uncertain about him/us.

I don’t want to go too into it, but I’m starting to think about whether or not I should continue with this relationship. I’m not sure if I’m being impatient, but I want to be with someone who isn’t a man-child. I want to be with someone who has better balance than I do, so that I can learn from him. I want to be with someone that has their priorities straight, more or less.

Scott is in a transitioning phase and I often need to remind myself that I, too, was like him. Maybe that’s why I’m less forgiving than usual because I don’t want to be with someone like myself. I don’t want to be with someone who has the same flawed qualities as me. I want to be with someone who makes me better and I’m not sure if Scott does. I feel that I can say, I help him be a better person but I’m not really sure how he helps me.

Then there’s Lucid Fusion and ML. These are two jobs that I was really excited to start work for, respectively. I came to realize that my excitement was premature. Lucid Fusion was the first job that I got after being with DG for three years. By the time they hired me, I was so ready to leave DG that I quickly became enamored with LFPR. I was enamored by the WeWork space we worked in, I liked the thought of our company being mostly female, I liked the idea of the work I was doing, and I liked that there was strong, assertive women as leadership, management, and co-workers.

 

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Lessons from Above.

Yesterday was my niece Elly’s birthday (Halloween) so I bought her two books, Dr. Seuss’s One Bird, Two Birds, Three Birds and this other children’s book on how to be express gratitude which I felt that Elly could’ve really benefited from (she’s a lovely, albeit spoiled girl).

Today, I was definitely ah lee ah luur, a saying in Cambodian that pretty much means being absentminded. I literally had no sense. At all. After paying for the books and some personal toiletry items at self-checkout, I somehow forgot to put the bag with the books into my cart. Somebody came up on awesome books tonight. ;____;

When my cousin and I realized that the books were missing (but not my toiletries), it was two hours later. We went back to Target and during  the whole ride I was admonishing myself for making such a foolish and costly mistake (them books were $25 total). I just assumed my cousin had grabbed them out of the cart for me.

Anyways, my cousin was telling me to pray and even though I believe in God, I felt it was a long shot because it was stupid, careless mistake that shouldn’t have even been made in the first place. Also, I’m losing my faith in humanity a bit.

No good Samaritan returned the books so I was right about humanity for an instance, but faith in humanity was restored by one of the employees at the Customer Service center. I was for sure prepared to purchase the books again since it was SUCH AN IDIOTIC mistake but the Customer Service Representative at Target was hella cool, understanding, and patient.

Instead of having me buy the books again, she did a simple exchange for me. Unfortunately, I only got two out of three original books that I purchased, but that’s okay. It only sucks because the book that we were unable to get another copy of was the gratitude book for children, which as I previously mentioned my niece, Elly, needs.

What’s ironic about all this is that I was talking shit about this Target sucking because it didn’t have the greatest selection of items, as well as, it was missing tongue scrapers.

God taught me many lessons today:

1) Don’t be so high all the time.
2) Pay more attention to your surroundings and actions.
3) Believe in humanity.

game plan.

I’m going to friend zone all new guys that come into my life. It’s not that I’m assuming all new men that come into my life wanna date me… it’s more the fact that I get smitten so easily and eventually want to date them! If I date someone, it’s most likely I’ll get one-itis for that lucky male and stay fixated on them for a lot longer than I’d like to admit.

But’s that me! I love being in relationships! I love being committed to one person! I love learning everything there is to know about them! I love making them happy! I love being the best girlfriend I can be!

What’s different now is that it can’t just be anyone. I’ve only been in three relationships but the last two (especially the last one) did quite the number on me. I don’t like going into details because I’m a firm believer that it’s fair to hear both sides. I don’t want to share things and then have you think ill of the person or me without hearing both sides. Also, everything is in the past now so let’s all that there.

I should’ve known this but with all the mainstream BS that women put up with, it’s totally understandable that I didn’t learn all this until trial and error.

But I know better than to simply give my heart away too easily and too soon. It’s probably a good thing that all three of my relationships have been long-term, especially considering the fact that I wasn’t single for very long between each relationship. To give you a better understanding, I’ve been in a relationship since I was 18 and I’m 26 now. I’ve only been single for 6 months.

Let me tell you briefly about these last couple of months.

After my boyfriend of 5-and-some years and I broke up, I was going through so.many.FEELS. If I had a theme song, it would be Jai Wolf’s remix of Kiara’s “Feels.” Our breakup was one of those “long time coming” ones. Like I said, I don’t want to get into too many details without him being able to share his side so that’s all I’ll say.

Anywho, I was obviously NOT over my ex-lover yet, but I really wanted to be. I wanted to rush the process so badly and not have to deal with all the feels. So I did what I always did. I developed one-itis on another guy. This dude was the first guy that to show me something different in a really, really, really long time. I think if we didn’t stop talking, I would have gotten into a relationship with him IF he asked me to be his girlfriend. I shudder thinking what a disaster that would’ve been.

Don’t get me wrong, I was genuinely attracted to this guy (like I was with all my ex-boyfriends). What I really liked about him was how he showed interest in me and all I was doing was doing me! He asked my best friend for my number and it pleasantly surprised me that he wanted to keep in contact after just meeting me one weekend. I just really appreciated the fact that he enjoyed talking and hanging with me. It didn’t hurt that he was tall, well-mannered, had a man bun, and seemed like a considerate person/friend.

Anyways, I definitely placed so MUCH EXPECTATION on this poor guy but fortunately for him, it was all unknowing because ya girl ain’t the clingy type. Or at least I hope I played it as cool as I think I did. When things between us began to fade and I got news that he was seeing someone else, I felt real dumb, foolish, and disappointed. My feelings are valid but I just hated how I allowed someone to have such reign over my emotions (for a long time too, lol) and it was just some guy! I just got to a point where I’m realizing that I’m too good to be feeling this way, too good to be tripping over some guy. And that’s not to say I’m better than him or nothing, but I ain’t the one who’s missing out. Let’s just leave it at that.

I’m in the process of developing who I am, but more importantly, discovering who I am and what makes me, ME! I think I need to do this solo dolo for awhile but damn, old habits sure die hard. I do carve attention, I do carve that kind of love/devotion/committment, I do carve it all. But I gotta be enough for myself this time. I gotta know that I’m always going to be enough for myself. #thanksRupiKuar

So that’s where I’m at right now. I’m planning to friend zone any new male that comes into my life. Anyone who makes it obvious to me that they want to be more than friends will have to wait till I’m ready. Whoever is at the end is the one I will open my heart to and give a chance. I will also friend zone myself with any male, even if I am attracted to them. IF that attraction levels up to real, genuine interest then I’ll get myself out of the friend zone.

BUT BEFORE that happens, it all boils down to how much time and patience I give myself + the new relationship into developing. If I rush things, I will end up getting caught up in being smitten and make premature decisions that may not be positive in the long run. If I take my time and practice more patience, I will make smarter and more sincere decisions? Not saying that impromptu choices are made insincerely or have insincere intentions, but taking your time to make sure you feel a certain way (for whatever reason) seems fair to me. I guess when you’re looking for consistency, sincerity, and a solid foundation that’s what I’m going to consider before allowing myself to feel strongly for and be committed to anyone.

Long story short, I ain’t just going to fall for some guy anymore. I’m not going to get swept up so strongly. It’s not that I don’t want too (because that shit is/feels awesome), but it’s because I know how I get. I get easily smitten, I get easily caught up, I get easily lost. I want to know that the guy is with me because he simply wants to be with me. He simply enjoys who I am and encourages me to be me. He will like all my quirks even the annoying ones. He will appreciate my mind, heart, and soul before he truly gets to appreciate my body and then it’s all good for him from there cause I give that bomb loving FASHO.

I will know that I sincerely like him and most importantly, trust him with my heart. I will have taken my time to appreciate him for his good vibes and who he is as a person. His past, his dreams, his quirks, his fears, his strengths I’ll come to know a great deal before I learn more during the relationship. But the amount I’ll know reflects how close we are as non-lovers. If everything was willing, imagine how awesome that would be?

For this to happen, I first need to love myself that way. I need to first get to know myself like that and on such a deeper level than now. I’m on the way, but I’ve got a ways to go. But if someone is down for the ride and has proven himself a worthy suitor, then I’m all for sharing this journey and helping him on his.

Oh yeah, I should’ve mentioned that I’m going to remain abstinent. I’m not going to be a saint, but simply put, I ain’t having sex with anyone unless we’ve been together for a couple of months. It’s going to be hard but I know it’ll be worth the wait.

So yeah, that’s the game plan.

 

 

 

resolve.

I used to have a habit of giving away my heart too easily, too quickly.
I used to crave being in a relationship so much that it didn’t matter who I was with until it was much too late.
I used to love the other person more than I loved myself.
I used to repeat the same mistakes over and over again when it came to love.

But I’m a little older, a little wiser now.
My understanding of love, sex, and relationships have taken on whole new meanings.
I have a greater appreciation for the concept of time.
I have a greater appreciation for me.

My body is not meant for sharing so casually with others.
My heart is not meant for giving away so early.
My spirit is not meant to be held back for the sake of someone else’s ego.
My soul is not meant for anything else but to be cherished and nurtured.

I am resolved to be patient for love.
I am resolved to wait and wait and wait.
I am resolved to believe that the one for me is out there.
I am resolved that until then, I am enough for me.

It’s true that it was me who wanted to leave
But I mean it when I say this, so I hope you’ll believe
I loved you more than you’ll ever know
It’s just that I wanted love myself too, so that’s why I had to go.